How Yoga Helped Me Kick Drug Addiction

By Anna Maguire

Using yoga for recovery, I have learned that I am fully responsible for the way I show up in the world and how I react to situations. The better I feel about myself, the better I am able to show up authentically for the people and world around me; however, it took some painful lessons for me to reach this realization.

In active addiction, I was completely disconnected from myself in every way. I spent most of my adolescence numbing my emotions with drugs and alcohol. In high school I was labeled the “party girl,” which later turned into the “alcoholic / drug addict.” At some point I had lost all control over my drug use and it was no longer just simply for recreation. I couldn't stand to be sober for a minute in my own skin. I felt such a profound sense of loneliness, waking up every day wishing I hadn't. I recall beginning each day sick from withdrawal, spending about an hour going back and forth in my head debating whether I was going to get drugs to ease the sickness, and finally deciding to myself, “I'm just going to get enough drugs for today.” The following day I’d wake up sick and live the same routine all over again. I had become trapped in a toxic cycle of fear and delusion. Feelings of self-pity and thoughts of suicide would find their way into my head as the drugs wore off, and I continued to cope the only way I knew how- more drugs. Meanwhile, every single bone in my body was screaming for me to stop. I can't begin to enumerate the many times loved ones looked me in the eyes and asked if I was using, and, while fighting back tears, the only word I could push out was “no.” I had become a shell of a person, and was hurting the people who treated me with unconditional love. The only way I knew how to deal with these feelings of guilt, self-hatred, and fear was to pile on more substances. 

I was terrified of what another day with drugs and without them would look like. If I removed drugs from the picture, who would I be? They had changed the core of who I was, and I was completely hopeless and consumed by fear.

I came to the conclusion that removing drugs from the picture was not an option, because I would be nothing without them. And just like that, addiction had become the only thing I knew. 

Between the ages of 17 and 20 I attempted and failed to get sober five times. I had never managed to get comfortable with being present in my own existence. Each time I tried to get sober I would find a romantic relationship to obsess over or disordered eating would tighten its grip on me. I didn't know how to focus all of my energy on truly healing.

By my sixth and final attempt, I decided to do things differently, starting with accepting professional help to address my depression and incorporating yoga into my daily routine.

Every time I practiced on my mat, I found a sense of safety and security that I had never felt before. The process began with me getting to know myself physically and then later I was able to regularly check-in with my mental, emotional, and spiritual self-

I have found myself in tears on my mat more times than I can count.

Yoga provided me with the space to process whatever was present for me at that moment. As my sobriety began to be consistent, I relied on the time I spent on my mat to grow closer to my spirit.   

Reaching sobriety has been a journey of unpacking and thawing out emotions and then determining how to deal with them in healthy ways. I learned to sit with discomfort, sadness, anger, frustration, and anxiety without running to something external to numb the discomfort. For me, it was a process of learning to slow down and become still. 

Yoga has helped me to build physical and spiritual awareness. I am able to tap into the power of my breath throughout the day to self-soothe as I’m faced with stressful situations.

By pausing and breathing at that moment, I am able to take care of myself and tune into what my body needs instead of reacting impulsively-an act of tapping into my own intuition and listening in an honest way. I can honestly say that strengthening my yoga practice has been the most empowering part of my recovery. 

Reflecting back now, I can see that yoga invited me to begin building a relationship with my true self. It became a safe and sacred space where I could trust myself and begin feeling my emotions. Now connected with my body and emotions, I can navigate my life from a place of recovery. It is clear to me that I cannot have recovery without yoga, and I cannot have yoga without recovery.